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by Bethany Wells
The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him". . . . So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh (Gen. 2:18, 21-24 NIV).
God created the woman out of man as man's helper. He intended
the two to be together. For this reason, most human beings have
the desire to find a "significant other." Betrothal,
courtship and, more recently, dating have all been tried throughout
the centuries as a means of selecting that one "special person."
The selection of a matrimonial partner is one of the things that
separate humans from the animal kingdom.
When humans choose a partner, it is based on love and companionship
as well as for the purpose of mating, which is the only reason
animals choose their specific partners. Marriage is a gift of
God, and not something that humans would normally do if he had
not instituted it. The apostle, Paul, tells us "Whether you
eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God."
(I Cor. 10:31 NIV) Everything a Christian does should glorify
God, be it in behaviors, words, or in choosing a future spouse.
A Christian will want to carefully examine his or her motives
for choosing to date because the first priority of every Christian
should be to give honor and glory to God in all that he or she
does.
Dating can be divided into two categories: as a means to get to
marriage and as a means by which to mate. The former does glorify
God, but the latter does not because it is giving in to the selfish
human nature.
Society dictates what should be most important in a marriage and
it usually places a high emphasis on beauty, sexual pleasure,
and wealth. All of these things pass away, but God is eternal.
"But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought
nothing into this world, and we can take nothing out of it."
(I Timothy 6:6-7NIV) This verse reminds believers that everything
on this earth is temporary. Putting God aside for a temporary,
earthly gain is foolish.
Whether people will admit it or not, physical attractiveness is
a high priority in choosing someone to date. If this were not
the case, it would not be so common to say "I can convert
him/her after we are married" when dating a non-Christian
becomes serious. Physical attractiveness should not have the high
position it does in choosing a future spouse. In the section of
Proverbs titled The Wife of Noble Character, God says, "Charm
is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the
Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:30NIV.)
The image of beauty has changed hundreds of times over the years.
During the middle of the sixteenth century, men wore trunk-hose
stuffed with anything and everything from scraps of fabric and
horsehair to tow (a low grade of flax fiber) and bran.1 Another
addition to the male costume was the peascod belly, a false belly
used to fill out the doublet made of cotton wadding, whalebone,
or whatever else could be found.2 In 1770, artificial calves were
introduced as a fashion accessory for men because the shapeliness
of the lower part of the leg was seen as sexually alluring.3
Women, on the other hand, have struggled since the beginning of
fashion with the need to be small. For several centuries, including
the twentieth century, women in China have bound their feet to
extremely small sizes, attempting to reach the ideal length of
three inches.4 European women wore petticoat supports that were
"two and three-quarter yards wide" during the mid-eighteenth
century to make their stomachs appear flatter,5 and piled their
hair high atop their heads, embellished with "ships in full
sail, horses, and carriages with passengers and footmen,"
which the hairdressers had to stand on ladders to arrange during
the last quarter of the eighteenth century.6 During the early
twentieth century, a handful of women had their lower ribs surgically
removed to achieve the ideal eighteen inch waist.7 David Hume's
comment, "beauty in things exists in the mind which contemplates
them,"8 makes sense when realizing that the definition of
human beauty has changed so many times over the centuries. Beauty
is not something that can be absolutely defined, yet it is still
a high priority when choosing a spouse.
Pleasure in sex is also temporary and, outside of marriage, it
is a sin. "But among you there must not be even a hint of
sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because
these are improper for God's holy people. For it is shameful even
to mention what the disobedient do in secret." (Ephesians
5:3, 12NIV) Giving into sexual temptation fades the line which
separates man from the animal kingdom. "These are the men
who divide you, who follow mere natural instincts and do not have
the Spirit." (Jude 19NIV) A vow is made in any bed and it
should not be made if it cannot be kept. "It is better not
to make a vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it." (Ecclesiastes
5:5NIV) Since sex is meant to be saved for marriage and it creates
a bond between two people it cannot be used in a God pleasing
way to choose a marital partner.
Just like beauty and sexual pleasure, money is very temporary.
One can never have enough of it, it is spent too quickly and easily,
and after purchasing everything that can be used by the person
who has the money all that is left to do with it is save it or
give it away.
Whoever has money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income. This too is meaningless. As goods increase, so do those who consume them. And what benefit are they to the owner except to feast his eyes on them? (Ecclesiastes 5:10-11NIV)
All of these motivations provide only temporary satisfaction and
are void of seeking God's will. God knows what is best for all
of His children, and He will make it available to them.
Selfishness is a weakness the human race as a whole is subject
to. Each person wants what is best for him or her self and what
is best is determined by what the person sees as important. The
apostle, John, warns Christians about the temptation to put oneself
above God in his first letter:
Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world-the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does-comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. (I John 2:15-17NIV)
If having a beautiful partner to be envied for is what is important
to a person, that person will want to choose someone who fits
society's ideal of beauty; if what is important is "good
sex," a person will marry based on that; and if what is important
is wealth, he or she will choose someone with large sums of money.
A Christian will want to honor God by putting away those selfish
desires and choosing someone who will help them to grow in faith.
This is certainly not to say that Christians should not like or
love someone because they do fit society's ideal of beauty or
have a large fortune. When predicting Peter's denial, Jesus said
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved
you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that
you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 13:34-35)
In this He tells us what kind of love we are to show to everyone.
God loves all people even if they do not love him in return. He
loves them because they are His children, not because they fit
a societal mold. In the same way, we should love everyone, because
they are children of God, not because they fit our ideals.
The English language only offers a very limited vocabulary for
love: passion, love and like. None of these words are very descriptive
and there is only a very fine line dividing them. The Greek language,
however, has eight basic words for love: agape, epithumia, eros,
ludus, mania, phileo, pragma, and storge.9 Agape is the type of
love Jesus describes in the above passage, the unconditional love
God shows for us based totally on Him and not on what we do.10
Epithumia is defined as a strong desire or longing of any kind.11
Eros is where the English word erotic has its base and is the
name of a primeval god, the son of Chaos, in Greek religion.12
Ludus is the excitement a person gets from playing "the game
of love" and keeping multiple lovers from finding out about
each other. Mania is being in love with the feeling of love and
not necessarily with the person it is directed at. Phileo, based
on the word philos which literally means "friend,"13
is the type of love a person has for a dear friend and is also
where the word Philadelphia, "the city of brotherly love"
comes from. Pragma, meaning "civil business, deed, act"14
is the logical, planning type of love where the possibilities
of what a person could become and how he or she is viewed by the
family is considered before a commitment is made.15 Storge is
the last type of love mentioned and is the obligatory type of
love a person feels toward other members of his or her family.16
Some of these types of love are obviously more long lasting than
others, but the only permanent love is that from God.
The most complete and concise definition of God's love for His
children and the model He wishes them to follow can be found in
I Corinthians 13:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. . . . When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love, But the greatest of these is love. (I Cor. 13:4-8a, 11-13NIV)
In these verses, God explains how deep His love for us is. God's
love is unshakable. He also explains to us how we ought to love
one another using Christ as an example and what trust is. Paul
uses a child as an example of pure faith. A child trusts unconditionally,
does not doubt, accepts things that cannot be explained or understood,
and loves without question. As people grow older, they lose trust
in their friends because everyone is hurt at one time or another.
Love and trust go hand in hand. Without one, the other cannot
exist. A person who can be loved for a lifetime must, therefore,
be able to be trusted for a lifetime.
Along with love and trust there also must be truth. Again, there
is not one of these that can exist without the other two. Truth
in communication is extremely important in any God-pleasing relationship,
dating or otherwise. John tells us, "Dear children, let us
not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."
(I John 3:18NIV) The words "I love you," written or
spoken, do not mean anything unless backed with actions and truth.
By actions, it is not to be supposed that Betty Everett was right
to say, "If you wanna know if he loves you so, it's in his
kiss."17 The actions being spoken of are ways of showing
patience, kindness, contentment, humility, politeness, selflessness,
and calmness, without being boastful or judgmental.18
Christ showed this type of truthful, trustworthy love when he
lived a perfect life, died on the cross, defeated the devil, rose
again, and went to prepare a place for all believers in heaven.
"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down
his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers."
(I John 3:16NIV) Jesus literally did lay down his life for us
as a once-and-for-all sacrifice for our sins. He is not asking
the entire believing world to go and get themselves shot for their
friends. Jesus has already paid the price and it would not give
glory to God to commit suicide. John is explaining that perfect
agape love is selfless and puts others before oneself. Perfect
agape love cannot exist between humans; it can only exist between
God and his people. Because of sin, nothing perfect can exist
on this earth apart from God. Just as the earthly tabernacle described
in Hebrews was imperfect but was a mirror image of the perfect
heavenly tabernacle,19 so earthly love, though imperfect, is a
mirror of God's perfect love. True love cannot exist between two
humans without God. God has to be present in the relationship,
or it is not real, true love.
Because God has to be one of the three persons involved in a loving
relationship for it to be truthful, His presence should be a major
deciding factor in choosing a future spouse. When Christians choose
to date for reasons other than to give glory to God, they are
continuing a pattern of involving God less and less in one of
the most important, life-changing decisions a person can make.
Looking at the history of how people choose spouses shows this
trend very plainly.
Dr. David Mace, author of Marriage East and West is quoted in
Riemer's book, Dialog: Dating and Marriage as defining four basic
patterns of choosing a matrimonial partner:
1. Selection by the parents-the young people themselves are not consulted. [This method, once strictly and universally followed in the Orient, is now changing to methods 2 and 3 below.]
2. Selection by the parents, but the young people are consulted.
3. Selection by the young people, but parental approval is necessary.
4. Selection by the young people-the parents are not consulted.20
History does repeat itself, and throughout history each of these
patterns has been commonplace. In general, the trend has been
to embrace one extreme more than the other. The emphasis has been
shifting from the first extreme pattern to the fourth throughout
history.
In Exodus 20, Moses gives the law as prescribed by God and the
only command with a promise is "Honor your father and your
mother that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is
giving you." (Exodus 20:12NIV) The trend to consult parents
less and less in matrimonial decisions shows a continuing rebellion
against those God has put in authority over His children and,
hence, against God himself.
Abraham, who is commended for his great faith in Hebrews,21 sent
his servant to his relatives in Nahor to find a wife for his son,
Isaac. The servant prayed that God would show him which girl he
was to bring back and his prayer was answered. The girl who let
him drink from her jar and watered his camels as he had prayed
would be the sign was named Rebekah. According to scripture, the
girl was very beautiful and also a virgin. After some negotiating
with the family, the servant brought Rebekah back to his master
and scripture tells us she became Isaac's wife and he loved her.22
In this example, Rebekah's father and Abraham's servant who represented
him carried out the negotiations. Rebekah was consulted, but had
never seen or met Isaac. This marriage was based wholly on trust
in God's will and was successful because of it.
The story of Ruth and Boaz is another mix of types one and two.
Ruth followed Naomi to Bethlehem and is advised by her to remarry
after she meets Boaz, a kinsman. The arrangement is made after
Ruth is found by Boaz, sleeping at his feet on the threshing floor.
In this case, Naomi advised the match, but Boaz made the arrangement
in the presence of ten elders of the town. God blessed this marriage
with a child named Perez, through whom would eventually come the
Savior.23
In the New Testament, Mary and Joseph were pledged to be married
to one another. A pledge, in the Bible, was more binding both
socially and legally than a present day engagement. The only way
out of a pledge was through divorce and once divorced, the couple
could not be married.24 The Bible is not specific about how they
became pledged, but the compassion Joseph has for her in wishing
to divorce her quietly rather than publicly because he assumes
that she has been unfaithful does show that he loved her before
they were married. If he had divorced her publicly, she would
have been stoned.25
These three examples from the Bible show that, although dating
is relatively modern, couples who intended to marry have not always
been thrown together by parents without consulting the young people.
Examples from literature, such as Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet,
where the two "star-cross'd" young lovers, though from
feuding houses decide to marry against their parents wishes and
without their consent show the increasing trend to move away from
parental involvement. After they are married, Juliet's father,
who has not been informed of the match, forces Juliet to accept
Count Paris as her future husband. Rather than marry Count Paris,
she drinks from a vial given to her by a friar to cause her to
go into a deep sleep that resembles death for forty-two hours
so Romeo, who is banished, can snatch her body away.26 Both lovers
end up dying in the end as a result of an untruthful and hasty
relationship. Truth and trust must exist in all relationships
between all parties involved, including the couple, their parents,
and God.
An example similar to the story of Romeo and Juliet can be found
in Jane Austen's Persuasion. In this story, Anne Eliot and Frederick
Wentworth fall in love and he proposes to her. Because she is
the daughter of a baronet and he is merely a sailor, she is advised
to refuse him by her neighbor, Lady Russell who, since the death
of Anne's own mother, has become her surrogate mother. The refusal
is made and he immediately sets off to sea, not returning for
eight years. When he does return, the two are thrown together
once more and, after many uneasy months, another proposal is made.
Anne accepts this proposal against the wishes of Lady Russell,
but with the approval of her father.27
The difference between these two stories is that the second love
stood the test of time. Anne's father was consulted and his approval
gained. This example follows the pattern of the third basic pattern
of choosing a spouse mentioned above. The shift from the extreme
of being forced into marriage by the parents to "acting now
and apologizing later," in choosing a spouse has become more
rapid since the colonial period. "The man who fears God will
avoid all extremes." (Ecclesiastes 7:18b)
From the colonial period to 1830, society dictated that anything
short of coitus in a mixed gender relationship was permissible.
Living in America during this period, when uncertainty of survival
was common, long courtships and chaperones were discouraged.28
Puritans put a high importance on affection in a marital relationship.
Although strict about physical activity outside of marriage, virginity
was not held in as high a standard among Puritans as in other
denominations. Relations were to be kept private in a marriage
relationship. Adultery, however, when found out was punished by
hanging at least three people.29
Socialization during this period was a necessary daily activity,
not something that was regarded as a special activity. There was
little attempt made by the parents of either young person to oversee
courtship. Oftentimes, the parents would leave the house to allow
the couple privacy. During the 1770's the rate of premarital pregnancy
was at 30%. Without parental intervention, the responsibility
of remaining chaste was placed on the shoulders of the young lady.
When a premarital pregnancy became known, thee woman was severely
punished, while the man involved was merely scolded. 30
For the fifty years following 1830, marriage started to become
an expression of romance rather than a mutual partnership. Romantic
love, encompassing passion, mutuality, communion, sympathy, and
candor was seen as the only type of love that belonged in a martial
relationship. A couple's readiness for marriage was based on the
man's economic ability to provide a home rather than the emotional
maturity of either person. Because physical, romantic love is
what was expected in marriage, couples were expected to engage
in physical touch before marriage as well. Public petting, however,
was still unacceptable.31
Equality between the sexes continued to be an issue during the
next forty years. After years of fighting, women achieved the
right to vote in 1920 following the ratification of the nineteenth
amendment to the United States Constitution.32 In the midst of
all this fighting, the rules of courtship were changing as well.
Love was supposed to act as a magnet, drawing the couple together.
To prevent any outside influences from contributing to a marital
choice, fashion changed to suit the growing need for women to
be modest.33 At the beginning of the nineteenth century, women
were wearing loosely fitting dresses with empire waists. These
dresses allowed the clothed female figure to be viewed as it is
naturally, without the aid of figure altering corsets and hoopskirts.34
To prevent men, who were typified as being depraved, from fulfilling
their "animal-like passions," women began again to hide
their figures.35 The female dress of the latter quarter of the
nineteenth century and first ten years of the twentieth century
was very confining and marked by extremely tight corsets, high
necklines, heavy, full skirts, and hoopskirts or bustles.36
Courtship became a very formal activity from 1880 to 1920. Once
a girl had her first season, she was eligible for callers. Young
people had to first be formally introduced to one another before
they could speak to each other. Before a man could call on a young
lady's house, he had to be invited to call by her mother. He would
then call upon both the young lady and her mother in their home.
Only after his first visit was the young lady was allowed to invite
him to call herself.37
The calling process was formal to prevent unwanted men from visiting
because calling was seen to have the single purpose of leading
to matrimony. Before being admitted into the house, the young
man would present his calling card to the servant who opened the
door. His card was then taken to the lady of the house, who represented
the father in all of her decisions. If he was welcome, he would
be admitted. If he was not welcome, he would be turned away with
the excuse that "the lady is out." If a caller was very
frequent and his courtship lasted a long time or became too intimate,
the courtship was expected to end with engagement.38
Underneath all of the formal propriety of the Victorian era, a
revolution was beginning in the lower classes. The urbanization
of America caused the middle class to grow and also meant that
many young people would be living on their own. Houses became
smaller and propriety dictated that a young lady could not have
a young man in her apartment, dorm, or boarding house room. The
courtships, which usually took place in the young lady's home,
were forced to move into the public sphere. The popularity of
the automobile aided the shift from the private home to the public,
allowing couples the ability to travel much farther from the home
than a walk would take them.39
The word "date" became a part of the American vocabulary
starting in the 1910's. Originally, it had been lower class slang
but, with the help of such magazines as Ladies' Home Journal,
first published in 1883, which infiltrated the homes of many middle
class Americans during this period, it became a common term.40
The rules of dating, rather than being established by the community,
were established by peers of the dating couples.
Dating started as a necessary response by the lower class to the
urbanization of America. As it grew in popularity, the upper classes
saw it as a new type of freedom and rebelled against the formality
of courtship. Couples no longer needed to have parental sanction
to engage in social activities. By 1920, dating had almost completely
replaced courtship with courtship reappearing only once a couple
decided to be in constant company. By 1930, there was no distinction
between the lower class dating as a response to urbanization and
the upper class rebellion against formalities.41
Along with the shift from the courtship in the home to dating
in the public, the financial cost of finding a suitable spouse
went up. It has been said that a man went to call on a lady at
her house in 1920 and that when she answered the door, she "had
her hat on." This meant that she expected to go somewhere.42
The expectation to "go out" transferred the control
of the relationship from the woman in her home to the man in the
public because it was generally assumed that the financial burden
would be his.43
The public sphere has been regarded as male territory. All throughout
dating history, the responsibility to say no to sexual advances
has rested with the woman. With the increased cost of "going
out," as opposed to staying in the home, an obligation was
silently created between the man and the woman. Some men have
assumed that the amount of money spent on a date puts a higher
value on the company of the woman and expected sexual favors in
return to even the scales.44 Once a couple had been going out
for a long enough period of time, engagement was expected based
on the amount of money put into building the relationship. This
was called "debt engagement." When choosing a partner
in marriage during this period, virginity was seen as a virtue,
but not a requirement. Women were still blamed for any sexual
sins, and the "good girl," "bad girl" mentality
grew out of this. The sexual revolution of the 1920's was unmatched
until the 1960's.45
Dating became a sort of competition to demonstrate popularity
during the 1920's. Until World War II, the number of dates a person
had would be a measure of his or her popularity. After World War
II, finding a person to "go steady" with was an indication
of social status. The term "rating and dating" is descriptive
of another competition in dating, the competition for the best
things. Men had to have the best things and women needed to be
seen with the best things. Because of this system, many men who
would have otherwise been excellent husbands and fathers had to
remain single. Dating became too expensive and the value was degraded
because it was not taken seriously.46
After the "roaring twenties" were over and the depression
hit America, a lower emphasis was placed on courtship as young
people entered the workforce. The emphasis in seeking a partner
gradually shifted back from entertainment to creating a relationship
of provider and homemaker by the 1950's. Family stability was
the goal in most relationships during this time, which seems odd,
because the age at which people started dating also dropped to
the junior high level and secret marriages in high school were
common.47
The time between the first meeting and marriage has been decreasing
since the 1960's. Cohabitation is a concept that has become widely
accepted and often encouraged since 1960, decreasing the number
of couples who actually do marry. Marriage is no longer seen as
permanent because of the ease of getting a divorce, and the only
thing keeping teenagers from having sex is the prevalence of sexually
transmitted diseases.48
Since the 1960's, dating has become more casual, and defining
what a date actually is has become more difficult. Dating is seen
as a way to get to marriage and also as a way to have fun with
members of the opposite sex. The definitions for dating vary as
much as the definitions for love. It can be doing something in
a mixed gender group, doing something where the person you are
with is more important than what you do, going out alone with
a member of the opposite sex, or being together in a relationship
where there is an emotional expectation or romantic significance
to being together.49
According to Ellen Rothman's book, Hands and Hearts: A History
of Courtship in America, love should be "more compelling
than friendship, more lasting than passion, and more serious than
romance."50 Indeed, this is what love should be like, but
the only way this type of love is possible is when God is a part
of the picture. Throughout the history of courtship and dating,
the gradual trend has been to leave God and His Word out of the
relationship.
Dating can be God pleasing when a Christian examines his or her
motives for choosing to date carefully to be certain that God's
will is being considered and that the choice gives glory to Him.
"Be very careful, then, about how you live-not as unwise
but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the
days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what
God's will is." (Ephesians 5:15-17NIV)
The three virtues that society places a high value on: beauty,
sexual pleasure, and wealth are meaningless to a Christian when
considered in a worldly perspective. A Christian should, however,
consider all three of these virtues based on God's Word when dating
or making a marital choice.
The definition of beauty, as mentioned before, changes rapidly
and is also very temporary. This, of course, is only true of outward
physical beauty. Peter, in his first letter tells believers where
true beauty comes from:
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of our inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. (I Peter 3:3-4NIV)
True beauty should spring from the inside with a love for God and respect for His creation. "We love because He first loved us. [Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.]" (I John 4:19, [11]NIV)
Because it is so often misused, God's gift of sex should also
be considered in any relationship that could lead to marriage.
"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed
kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually
immoral." (Hebrews 13:4NIV) Trust is a necessary component
of a true love relationship and should be earned and kept. If
a man or woman is willing to sacrifice his or her purity before
marriage, what is to stop him or her from committing the same
sin after marriage? Physical touch in an unmarried relationship
is somewhat out of place because it often leads to sexual temptation.
A Christian will want to be careful not to cause a brother or
sister in Christ to sin or to be tempted themselves.
John Holzmann suggests in his book, Dating With Integrity:
Honoring Christ in Your Relationships With the Opposite Sex,
that brothers and sisters in Christ should treat each other as
exactly what their names imply: as brothers and sisters. Sustained
or constant kissing, petting, and other such physical expressions
are not a part of a normal brother/sister relationship and do
not belong in a relationship between brothers and sisters in Christ.
The reason that none of these things exist in a brother/sister
relationship is that there are connotations and inferences made
to everything a human sees.51 "It is better not to make a
vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it." (Ecclesiastes
5:5NIV) No commitment should be made by physical actions unless
it can be honestly backed up with words.52
Money, though basically unimportant because it can only buy material
things and labor, is also a gift from God and should be managed
carefully. "'Well done, my good servant' his master replied,.
'Because you have been trustworthy in a very small matter, take
charge of ten cities.'" (Luke 19:17NIV) The ability to manage
one's own money can be an indication of how well the person can
manage more important things such as a family.
These three things: inner beauty shining forth as love for God,
the gift of sexual purity, and good stewardship should all be
considered in a Christian relationship that could lead to marriage.
Purposefully overlooking faults in any of these areas when choosing
to date is a strong indication that the relationship is based
on selfishness rather than God's will. "All have sinned and
fall short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23NIV) Looking
for "the perfect person" here on earth is, therefore,
an unattainable goal, but God uses the love of imperfect people
to foreshadow the perfect relationship we will have with Him in
heaven.
Because it is better not to make a vow than to make a vow and
not fulfill it,53 a Christian should carefully examine his or
her motives for choosing to date and be truthful about those motives
and any expectations that exist in the relationship. God has a
plan for each one of His children which may or may not include
marriage. When a Christian trusts and knows that God, rather than
selfishness, is guiding a relationship, be it a friendship, dating
relationship, or marriage it is sure that the relationship is
giving honor and glory to God. To give honor and Glory to God
should be the first priority of every Christian.
NOTES:
1 Agnes Allen, The Story of Clothes (New York: Roy Publishers,
Inc.), 152.
2 Francois Boucher, 20,000 Years of Fashion (New York:
Harry N. Abrams, Inc., 1967), 228.
3 C. Willett and Phyllis Cunnington, The History of Underclothes
(New York: Dover Publications Inc., 1992), 80.
4 Howard S. Levy, Chinese Footbinding: The History of a Curious
Erotic Custom, (New York: Bell Publishing Co., 1967), 23-35.
5 C. Willett and Phyllis Cunnington, The History of Underclothes,
89-90.
6 Marybelle S. Bigelow, Fashion in History: Western Dress,
Prehistoric to Present, (Minneapolis: Burgess Publishing Co.,
1979), 202-203.
7 Michael and Ariane Batterberry, Mirror Mirror: A Social
History of Fashion, (New York: Holt, Rhinehart and Winston,
1977), 254.
8 David Hume, 1711-1776.
9 "It's all Greek to Me," Accessed 19 October 2000.
Available from http://www.gentle.org/Resting/Greek.htm and "Romance
101Presents: Measuring Six Basic Styles of Love," Accessed
19 October 2000. Available from wysiwyg://8/http://www.rom101.com/lovestyles.htm.
10 "Agape," Encyclopædia Britannica DVD 2000,
1994-2000.
11 "It's all Greek to Me," Accessed 19 October 2000.
Available from http://www.gentle.org/Resting/Greek.htm.
12 "Eros," Encyclopædia Britannica DVD 2000,
1994-2000.
13 "Philos," "KJV Greek Lexicon" based
on Thayer's and Smith's Bible Dictionary accessed 12 November
2000. Available from http://bible.crosswalk.com/Lexicons/Greek/grk.cgi?number=5368&version=kjv
14 "Pragmatic" The Barnhart Concise Dictionary of
Etymology. (New York: H.W. Wilson Co., 1995).
15 "Romance 101Presents: Measuring Six Basic Styles of
Love" Accessed 19 October 2000. Available from wysiwyg://8/http://www.rom101.com/lovestyles.htm.
16 "It's all Greek to Me," Accessed 19 October 2000.
Available from http://www.gentle.org/Resting/Greek.htm.
17 Betty Everett, The Shoop Shoop Song, 1964.
18 Paraphrase of I Corinthians 13:4-7
19 Hebrews 9:1-10.
20 George R. Reimer, Dialog: Dating and Marriage (New
York: Holt, 1968), 28.
21 Hebrews 11:8-12
22 Genesis 24
23 Ruth 1-4
24 Robert G. Hoerber, gen. ed. Concordia Self-Study Bible
(St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 1984), 1448, note on Matthew
1:18.
25 Deuteronomy 22:23-24
26 William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet,
(1594).
27 Jane Austen, Persuasion, (New York: Dover Publications,
1997).
28 Rodney M. Cate and Sally A. Lloyd, Courtship, (Newbury
Park: Sage Pub., 1992), 14
29 David Hackett Fischer, Albion's seed : four British folkways
in America, (New York : Oxford University Press, 1989), 87-93.
30 Cate, Courtship, 15-16.
31 Cate, Courtship, 17-19.
32 Marjorie Spruill Wheeler, "The History of the Suffrage
Movement," PBS Online. Accessed 2 December 2000. Available
at: http://www.pbs.org/onewoman/suffrage.html#origins
33 Cate, Courtship, 20.
34 Agnes Allen, The Story of Clothes, 219-220.
35 Cate, Courtship, 20.
36 Allen, The Story of Clothes, 227-229.
37 Beth L. Bailey, From Front Porch to Back Seat: Courtship
in the Twentieth-Century America, (Baltimore: Johns Hopkins
Univ. Press, 1988.), 15.
38 Cate, Courtship, 21.
39 Ibid.
40 Bailey, From Front Porch to Back Seat, 16-17.
41 Ibid., 19.
42 Ibid., 13.
43 Cate, Courtship, 22.
44 Bailey, From Front Porch to Back Seat, 22.
45 Cate, Courtship, 22-24.
46 Bailey, From Front Porch to Back Seat, 26.
47 Cate, Courtship, 26-28.
48 Cate, Courtship, 29-30.
49 Bobbie Reed, PhD., Surviving Your Child's Dating Years:
7 Vital Skills That Help Your Child Build Healthy Relationships
(St. Louis: Concordia House Publishing, 1995), 25-26.
50 Ellen K. Rothman, Hands and Hearts: A History of Courtship
in America (New York: Basic Books, Inc., 1984), 36.
51 John Holzmann, Dating With Integrity: Honoring Christ
in Your Relationships With the Opposite Sex, (Brentwood: Wolgemuth
& Hyatt, Pub. Inc., 1990), 59-64.
52 Ibid., 61-62.
53 Ecclesiastes 5:5.
Allen, Agnes. The Story of Clothes. New York: Roy Publishers.
Austen, Jane. Persuasion. New York: Dover Publications,
1997.
Bailey, Beth L. From Front Porch to Back Seat: Courtship
in the Twentieth Century. Baltimore: Johns Hopkins Univ. Press,
1988.
Barnhart, Robert K. The Barnhart Concise Dictionary of English
Etymology. New York: H.W. Wilson Co., 1995.
Batterberry, Michael and Ariane. Mirror Mirror: A Social
History of Fashion. New York: Holt, Rhinehart and Winston,
1977.
Bigelow, Marybelle S. Fashion in History: Western Dress,
Prehistoric to Present. Minneapolis: Burgess Publishing Co.,
1979.
Boucher, Francois. 20,000 Years of Fashion. New York:
Harry N. Abrams, Inc., 1967.
Cate, Rodney M. and Sally A. Lloyd. Courtship. Newbury
Park: Sage Pub., 1992.
Encyclopædia Britannica DVD 2000. 1994-2000.
Everett, Betty. The Shoop Shoop Song. 1964.
Fischer, David Hackett. Albion's Seed: Four British Folkways
in America. New York: Oxford Univ. Press, 1989.
Hoerber, Robert G. Concordia Self-Study Bible. St. Louis:
Concordia Publishing House, 1984.
Holzmann, John. Dating With Integrity: Honoring Christ in Your Relationships With the Opposite Sex. Brentwood:
Wolgemuth & Hyatt, Pub., Inc., 1990.
Hume, David. (1711-1776).
"It's All Greek to Me." http://www.gentle.org/Resting/Greek.htm.
Accessed 19 October, 2000.
"KJV Greek Lexicon" based on Thayer's and Smith's
Bible Dictionary. http://bible.crosswalk.com/Lexicons/Greek. Accessed
12 November 2000.
Levy, Howard S. Chinese Footbinding: The History of a Curious
Erotic Custom. New York: Bell Pub. Co., 1967.
Reed, Bobbie, PhD. Surviving Your Child's Dating Years:
7 Vital Skills That Help Your Child Build Healthy Relationships.
St. Louis: Concordia House Pub., 1995.
Riemer, George R. Dialog: Dating and Marriage. New York:
Holt, 1968.
"Romance 101 Presents: Measuring Six Basic Styles of Love."
wysiwyg://8/http://www.rom101.com/lovestyles.htm. Accessed 19
October, 2000.
Rothman, Ellen K. Hands and Hearts: A History of Courtship
in America. New York: Basic Books, Inc., 1984.
Shakespeare, William. The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet.
London, 1594.
Willett, C. and Phyllis Cunnington. The History of Underclothes.
New York: Dover Publications, Inc., 1992.
Wheeler, Marjorie Spruill. "The History of the Suffrage Movement," PBS Online. http://www.pbs.org/onewoman/suffreage, html#origins. Last accessed 4 December 2000.
Completed by Bethany Wells on December 6, 2000.